tumor

Yesterday I went in for my follow up appointment with my ob/gyn. Apparently my lab results had come back showing some oddly high hormone levels that they couldn't explain. The nurse practitioner that I had been seeing didn't really explain to me what they would be looking for, just that I would see Dr Goggin for the first time in order to get an ultrasound of my ovaries. So, needless to say I was very nervous as I waited for him to come into the ultrasound room (which was humongous, by the way). When he finally came in, he explained to me that they were looking for what they call a "zebra" in the medical world. The metaphor is that if you hear hoofbeats behind you, most people assume it's a horse, but every now and again it might be a zebra. My particular zebra was an estrogen producing tumor on my ovaries. Dr. Goggin assured me that he did not actually expect one to be there, but he wanted to rule it out (that was where I stopped listening and started imagining my horrible death at the age of 25). So I climbed up on the table, pulled up my shirt and waited anxiously as he got me ready for the ultrasound (goo and all). As soon as the little gizmo touched my skin, he pulled it back and started laughing. In my head, I was still figuring out the logisitics of my funeral and so failed to see the humor of the situation. He explained that it was "not exactly a tumor", but that I was, in fact, pregnant.

Um.

What?!?

I think I asked him (through streaming tears) if he was kidding about 8 times. Even after he put the gizmo back on my gooey belly and showed me the little peanut. I watched the rest of the ultrasound through my hands over my face, still crying, still occasionally making sure this wasn't some awful elaborate prank. Dr. Goggin was still laughing and shaking his head, claiming to be the worst ob/gyn EVER... a young woman comes in with no periods and high estrogen and OF COURSE it must be a tumor.

I think we all got so fixated on my non-pregnancy as a fact that no one, including myself, ever considered taking another pregancy test. Although, I figure now that I could have ovulated (and did, obviously) at any point, since I didn't have a regular cycle. Ironically, it was probably the week after I took my last negative test that I actually did get pregnant. So when I went in for my first appointment, I told them I had just taken a number of negative tests, all negative, so there was no need to give me another. Go figure.

So all of this mean that I am now nearly through my first trimester (!!!). Everyone keeps asking me if I didn't notice any symptoms or changes... and I just don't think they understand how sure I was that I was not pregnant. And that it was going to be a challenge to GET pregnant. So sure, looking back now, I can see that certain things were probably symptoms. And it certainly explains why the waistbands of my jeans have been getting snug in the last few weeks. But nothing was so severe that I couldn't dismiss it or ignore it. Which I guess means I have been lucky... no major morning sickness, no crippling exhaustion, no aches and pains. I'm hoping that is a forecast for an easy pregnancy!

It is not many people, I am sure, that go from expecting to find the worst to seeing the best. The flip-flop my brain had to do from tumor to baby was tremendous, and the moment that I saw my first child was completely surreal and nearly incomprehensible. The shock is wearing off, but slowly. One of the nice parts about discovering Little Tumor so late into the pregnancy is that I have already been able to share this joy and amazement with so many of my friends and family. Needless to say, I definitely have a new moment to add to the "best moments of my life" list.

And I can't wait to meet our Little Tumor in person in November!