Monday, December 21, 2009

memo to all newborns


TO: Babies

RE: How to make your mother twitch

The order of the following steps is not set in stone, but the importance of completing each step can not be stressed enough if you want to achieve the desired results. Skipping a step could result in merely an eye roll or (worse yet) dismissive laughter. ALL steps are necessary to achieve maximum twitching.

STEP 1: Massive, smelly, disgusting poop. Make sure that you are positioned in such a way and use enough force that the poop blows out your diaper and extends all the way up your back, as close to the neckline as possible. Note: This step is most effective if you are wearing something that your mother deems especially "cute", even more so if it is new (say, just purchased and washed the night before).

STEP 2: Immediately after having your diaper and clothing changed, while your mother is holding you and selecting a new onesie, spit up. Make sure you aim so that an equal amount gets on her clothing and your face and body. Projectile is the goal here. You could wait until you are dressed if you also want to factor in the "extra laundry quotient", but being naked is fine.

STEP 3: Undoubtedly your mother will decide that you need a bath. You have two options here: you can pee while being carried to the tub, or wait til you are sitting in it. Both are effective.

STEP 4: Once you are clean, changed, dressed, and settled, spit up one more time. Only a little bit this time, not enough to warrant another change of clothes, but just enough to need cleaning. This last step generally ensures maternal twitching, but overdoing this step could cause more severe damage to your mother than desired, so time it right and be careful of the amount.

STEP 5: After all of this work, you have most likely achieved twitch and are probably exhausted. Take a nice long nap, but make sure to spit out your pacifier at regular intervals. Got to keep those moms on their toes!

Friday, December 18, 2009

weblink... wait, what day is it?

It is long past time for a Weblink Wednesday, don't you think? (And even if you don't, just lie to me, ok? I'm very sensitive right now.) This one comes to you courtesy of Stephen (as many of them do... he has a lot of internet-surfing time on his hands, and for that we are all grateful). I would not be surprised if someone took this idea and ran with it.

Also, here is another (more flattering) picture of my little one. Little snoozy santa baby... doesn't get much cuter than that.

She was very excited about her encounter with Santa, can't you tell?

My New Year's resolution will be to get back into the blogging swing of things (watching Julie and Julia last night inspired me. Maybe I'll get a movie deal... you know how people love watching movies about dogs and baby poop...), but if you must have more blog RIGHT NOW you can go here to read about one of my favorite family Christmas traditions, or here to catch up on the "pregnant five" which is now actually only the pregnant two!

Friday, December 4, 2009

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

thoughts on baby poop

Because I am a new mother, and apparently poop becomes not only an appropriate topic of conversation, but a fascinating one.

1. There is something odd about a being that can only really relax AFTER it has pooped and is sitting in it.

2. If your baby does finally settle down after a successful expulsion of waste, is it cruel to leave her in what you know must be a nasty, disgusting diaper? I mean, she's sleeping. It must not be that uncomfortable.

3. Even when a baby is sitting down, poop still seems to travel upward. Onto her back. And therefore onto her onesie. Which you probably just washed.

4. Apparently you are supposed to try and maintain a pleasant expression while changing your baby's diaper so that they don't develop insecurities about their unmentionables or how they look naked or something. I'll just have to hope that my daughter understands that I think she is absolutely beautiful... only slightly less so when covered in slimy yellow poo. I would hope she will eventually be able to understand that distinction.

5. Parent's Choice baby wipes (Walmart's brand, I believe) are not as good as Pamper's. They also smell funny. Which is saying a lot when you think of what smells you have to compare them to at the time of their usage.