Monday, December 21, 2009

memo to all newborns


TO: Babies

RE: How to make your mother twitch

The order of the following steps is not set in stone, but the importance of completing each step can not be stressed enough if you want to achieve the desired results. Skipping a step could result in merely an eye roll or (worse yet) dismissive laughter. ALL steps are necessary to achieve maximum twitching.

STEP 1: Massive, smelly, disgusting poop. Make sure that you are positioned in such a way and use enough force that the poop blows out your diaper and extends all the way up your back, as close to the neckline as possible. Note: This step is most effective if you are wearing something that your mother deems especially "cute", even more so if it is new (say, just purchased and washed the night before).

STEP 2: Immediately after having your diaper and clothing changed, while your mother is holding you and selecting a new onesie, spit up. Make sure you aim so that an equal amount gets on her clothing and your face and body. Projectile is the goal here. You could wait until you are dressed if you also want to factor in the "extra laundry quotient", but being naked is fine.

STEP 3: Undoubtedly your mother will decide that you need a bath. You have two options here: you can pee while being carried to the tub, or wait til you are sitting in it. Both are effective.

STEP 4: Once you are clean, changed, dressed, and settled, spit up one more time. Only a little bit this time, not enough to warrant another change of clothes, but just enough to need cleaning. This last step generally ensures maternal twitching, but overdoing this step could cause more severe damage to your mother than desired, so time it right and be careful of the amount.

STEP 5: After all of this work, you have most likely achieved twitch and are probably exhausted. Take a nice long nap, but make sure to spit out your pacifier at regular intervals. Got to keep those moms on their toes!


Anonymous said...

Funny funny funny! (Well, probably not to you at the time, but very much so now...) :)

Mary Beth said...

oh greer!! i can completely relate to this post! pretty sure all newborns get this memo before they leave the hospital!!